Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire: What. Does. That. Even. Mean. (Annnnd We're Back!)

Holy shiza, it's been a dog's age. The Regular Food Critic has completely fallen by the wayside, an oversight which just sucks and begs such questions as How could I? or How dare me? But, fear not. The hiatus was never intended to last forever, or intended at all.

As I once said to myself during an exceptionally difficult period which I'm sure we've all experienced, you know the one, that agonizing moment between finishing a family sized bag of chips and opening another: "All good things must not come to permanent ends." My summer hibernation has wound all the way down (which is a more poetic way of saying "I've run out of Netflix shows that interest me") and since everyone is watching fucking Gilmore Girls this week, now, more than ever, is the time for me to be distracted from television and Facebook. Fucking Gilmore Girls. That's a more apt title, wouldn't you say? This show leaves me so utterly and begrudgingly speechless, and not because I wouldn't love to go on and on about how the duos beat-for-beat, who-can-use-the-most-words-to-say-nothing rhetoric absolutely kills me, but because the show very literally leaves me with no words to do so (yes, there really are no words, Rory and Lorelai have taken them all). And might I add, that whole style of dialogue has only ever worked once and that was in a little town called Capeside where 30-year-olds played 15-year-olds and everyone had access to the same thesaurus.

Now, I know I'm going to get flack for that shade. I don't mind. I like Justin Bieber. Not just like, love. So if you can't understand why anyone would slight two women from Stars Hollow who are just trying to make it in their crazy fictitious world, use that little insight to get to your "A-ha" moment. A moment which will probably read like "What? Seriously? How can anyone not like Gilmo - oh. Oh! She's a Belieber. Oooooooo...."

Christmas is Coming. Christ. Mas.

Moving on to the reason I am writing today. Christmas is coming. Says so just two sentences back. I like Christmas because I am incredibly materialistic and cheap, and that makes receiving gifts the perfect way for me to be myself. But there are other reasons too, and they have everything to do with holiday menu items. Well, item.

Because life is characteristically unfair, more often that not the things I enjoy the most occur seasonally. In the summertime I'm living for tans, finding and keeping other peoples' sunglasses, and Iced Hot Chocolates (see past review on Pro Skates in Halifax for an explanation on that). In the winter I look forward to over-sized sweaters to bloat in, not having to explain why I want to stay home all the time, watching Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer (because it really is so strange), and last but never least, crack-able mixed nuts. Oh. My. God. Mixed. Nuts.

She Said I'm Cuuuuuuuuuute!

Before I get into my brief critique surrounding the nutshell boneyard I have at my place right now, I wanna give a shout out to my favorite character from Rudolph. I'm talking about the mammalian hussy that makes Mae West look like she navigates her sexuality about as efficiently as Juliette Lewis does as the other sister in The Other Sister.  This is a jezebel who understands how to work a bow, a breathy voice, and lash extensions: I'm of course talking about Clarice, Rudolph's flirtatious/slut-atious love interest. See video below:
#ForwardMuch? I couldn't find any solid information on what our little Horny Spice has been up to over the last few years, but I think it's safe to say that if it's not starring in porn videos, it's definitely working for that "Pick Up the Phone/Cat Got Your Tongue" sex line we all remember so fondly. She's got that same timbre that drove Kramer crazy for Jamie Gertz on Seinfeld. Or "Jane" as she was called in the episode. You know, the woman who couldn't "spare a square". And if you feel like investigating Clarice any further, or you don't want to be lonely (as the jingle prescribes), here's the number: 011-592-1913. Let's all give those girls a ring together.

Most Nuts Good/Some Nuts Bad

About nuts. There are four different nuts that make up a "trad-ish" mixed nut net: hazelnuts (which are simply acorns without the little hats A.K.A. very polite acorns), walnuts, almonds, and the bad ones. The bad ones might be pecans, but I refuse to look into it any deeper because I've already tried and it's actually been hard for me to confirm.  Whatever they are, I really hate them. I tasted one yesterday just to make sure I wasn't having one of my exaggerated or just plain false memories, and yes, I do confirm a distinctly terrible flavor. Like burnt dirt. Or what I imagine a fire pit might taste like if I were to fall into it face first and confuse my next series of decisions by putting "choosing to eat" before "choosing to get up". The point is, don't even bother. Unless you're over 80 and 90% of the intel you're receiving from your sensory organs is muffled to a point of almost complete silence, you're going to want to throw these away. Into the fire. Make more burnt dirt.

And then there are walnuts. Walnuts are good. They can be a very humbling nut to crack since many of your attempts will fail and you'll end up getting super down on your lack of strength, and even more so, on how quickly you're willing to give up on cracking them altogether (#WeakBitchQuitter). However, when you do get one opened, watch out! These babies are like mini-pinatas, not colorfully decorated or full of sweets, but man do they burst. If the Honey I Shrunk the Kids laser ever connected with an Amish community, these little guys would be the perfect thing for a couple of oppressed stick-wielding kids to beat the shit out of at some super-drab party. So expect pieces to go flying. And don't be afraid to eat them off the ground, the couch, or if you're snacking on them in the bath, the bath. You deserve the whole fruit of your labor and the 3-second rule need not be enforced here. Need not, but mostly cannot, because everyone knows that this rule has had only one true monitor since 2012, and that's Lisa Gail Allred. Oh, you don't know Lisa Gail? You don't know the song "3 Second Rule"? Well, if you like sassy older ladies who sing in a key you've never heard before and seem to be pushing the boundaries of traditional/enjoyable harmonies, this is your lucky day. I mean that. Oh man, do I mean that. See video below:

Why is she so amazing? Love her. Anyway, Almonds are okay too, but they're so popular and they make me roll my eyes the same way someone does when they tell me not to talk about the Gilmore Girls reboot, making an ass out of me and them for assuming I even watched it. Why, whenever December rolls around, are we so quick to forget that everyone has these in their houses all the time? One of my friends even has a bag of almonds in her Jetta! I've seen it! And are they even that great? Or special for that matter? "Oh, it's that festive time of year again! Finally, I can get my fill of... almonds..." What common everyday grocery item will be the next must-have-for-no-reason holiday staple? Has anyone looked into the idea of Christmas rice?

Nut Jobs

I. Love. To. Get. Off. Track. The main reason I wrote this was to acknowledge the polite acorns. I'll be honest, when given the chance I opt for the bag of only hazelnuts and leave the mixed ones to individuals in possession of a more indifferent palate than mine. I can't get enough of them. In fact, they should eradicate popcorn and serve these nuts by the refillable-bag-full in theaters, or as I like to call them: "the only places left in the world where you can have an awesome time littering with your friends". Seriously, I don't even go there for the movies anymore. I go to Ciniplex to satisfy my primal urge of throwing garbage and having fun with it.

Buy this.

In closing, I would like to encourage everyone to buy some nuts (which I just misspelled as "buts" three times before I could wrangle my fingers properly around my "n" key). I also really hope you guys watch Lisa Gail's complete video on YouTube.  I'll leave the link here, as well as the link to her second single "Coffee, or Tea, or Maybe Me". It is a treat and she is a treasure. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I've already mentioned her in a Regular Food Critic, but I'm too lazy to go back and check. And so what if I did, it's all gold anyway. I couldn't make those tunes up if I tried, but because she can and did, I want to be around her all the time. Oh, right. The food. 9/Harvey's goes to the mixed bag. Harv's/Harv's goes to the solo performance of the hazelnut. Peace.

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1 comment:

  1. Why aren't Brazilian nuts included anymore!